I don't know why I put up with this for so long.

I was first molested by my cousin, he was a teenager, I was a toddler. He climbed in my bed one night startling me awake and he touched my privates and made me touch his all the while telling me “it’s ok”. I knew deep down it wasn’t ok, but at the same time I trusted him, he was like my brother. He was caught and sent away to another state, I never saw him again. He left me with a fear I had never experienced, I was afraid at night in my room, the shadows of my toys seemed ominous, the sounds of my mother moving about terrified me, I believed someone or something was going to get me in my sleep. My mother let me sleep with her and she loved me and nurtured me for many nights and I finally was able to sleep in my own bed again. Then maybe a couple of years later, the memory of my cousin faded, my grandfather began to molest me. It happened several times, him touching me and making me touch him. He too was caught, but I was punished, blamed and shamed by my grandmother. I was devastated and profoundly changed as she shouted at me. I became silent, willing myself invisible for years. When I was raped at 10 or 11 by 3 neighbors, I was already programmed to tell no one because I would be blamed, so I carried the burden. As a teen I went into rebellion, acting out in harmful ways, abusing alcohol and drugs until I was almost 30 years old. Jail was my bottom and I started on my journey to not only survive, but thrive.

Why is it up for debate if he is a perpetrator when he already made me his victim?

If I hear one more time how he is a good person… he obviously wasn’t one to me. You are not neutral, you are simply shitty friends. If you don’t want to take sides… you are taking sides. Because there is no way that you believe and understand what happened to me and keep being friends with him. There is no way that you are there for me when I have to explain why you should be mad at him. Either you believe me or you don’t. But don’t pretend that you have my best interest in mind when you question my reality when I’m already falling apart. You made this ten times worse for me. Don’t take the moral high ground on how you can’t judge, have to be neutral or can’t hate anybody while simultaneously silencing me. Be honest. You don’t wanna know. You don’t want to know that someone you care about is capable of doing something this horrible.

It's easier to think that I misunderstood something or am too sensitive because then the world is still a safe place. I hate to tell you, but it is NOT safe. Your friend, however lovely he is to you, hurt me beyond repair. He violated me, just because he felt like it and yet I’m the one who has to defend myself. I have no words for how disappointed I am. You know me! You know me and yet you don’t believe me. What am I supposed to think? When you tell me you don’t think he is capable of doing something like that… all you are really saying is… you are capable of lying, imagining things and ruining the life of someone innocent. What about my life? Why does he get to ruin my life but when I ask for accountability and protection I’m supposedly the one ruining his. As if speaking up about it isn’t causing me already enough pain. What reason should I have? What do you think I would gain from this? Do you think I enjoy losing friends and having the worst night of my life exposed, examined and up for debate? I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t like someone asking intrusive questions about your sex life, so what makes you think that I have to tell you about mine, especially when it involves violence. I’m so mad at you! I wish you the best for the future and I’m really grateful for the friendship we had up to that point, but I never want to see you again. You couldn’t choose, so I did it for you. I choose me.

we were 14. he was my boyfriend, he manipulated me, forced me to think that’s what love was, that i was alone and no one else would be around for apart from him. every day he would pressure me, guilt trip me with sayings like, this is what everyone does, ur not normal, you don’t love me, i’ll leave you, i’ll tell everyone we had sex (even though we didn’t). every day for weeks— until i finally gave in and sent pictures.

for weeks and months into our relationship he would get angry at me for not wanting to have sex, he would get moody and call me names, tell me i was useless and ugly and no one would ever want me. we would kiss and he would push and push at my head trying to force me to suck him off, and emotionally manipulate me everyday. he forced me to do it. he forced his finger into my ass and then after, laughed and said it was a joke and just a bit of fun. he was abusive for months on end, telling me that no one cared about me and that i had no one. and then i tried to leave.

threats after threats of sending the pictures to everyone, and he did, pictures i didn’t want to send in the first place. i would get spammed with messages everyday of being slut shamed saying it was my own fault they were out because i sent them. girls and boys telling me i was a slut, ugly and no one was gonna date me now. an instagram account was created using my first name where he and his friends would post pictures. i went to school and was bullied for it, being called names while all my friends left me for his side because it was my own fault. the school did nothing to help me.

he threatened to kill me and sent threats to my only friend i had left, and repeatedly called me names.

i felt suicidal for months on end.

it ruined my life. nothing happened to him. i spent years thinking it didn’t count as assault. i can’t do anything i want to do and i hate my body every time i see it because i think about this. the shame. i have nightmares, flashbacks to what happened.

The first time I felt like my body wasn’t mine, was when he kissed me on my 16th birthday and then put his hand down my pants without asking.

The next time I was too drunk to walk home so he let me stay in his sisters bedroom and he put his dick in me even after I said no. He cried to me after and blamed it on the fact he had OCD.

On my 18th birthday party I passed out drunk and my boyfriend at the time fucked me. I remember waking up and told him he had raped me. He begged me not to tell anyone and to not leave him.

My first boyfriend of 2 and a half years when I was 14/15 started to have sexual impulses that I was not was asking or ready for. Forcing me up against a wall in public, at school, with his hands up my shirt or in between my legs. On days that he was short tempered I would be left exposed trying to cover myself up while he left me alone to deal with my emotions and my messy half clothed body. He then would threaten me that he would kill himself if I ever broke it off with him. After almost 3 years of this abuse and torture I had the courage to break things off with him. Which you would think that is amazing and my life went on for the better right? NO.... Instead he spread awful rumors about me all over our small town high school, where I was constantly passing someone in the hallway whispering my name. My life became engraved with our breakup. My mentally and sexually abusive boyfriend at 15 controlled my social life. So not only was I left very vulnerable, I was also very desperate for a friend that I could trust and confide in. This is where things went wrong.

I was the ONLY FEMALE in a advanced weights class and I attracted attention from my peers... Which is where my life really turned for the worst. I was all alone one day during school and wanting to ditch class I took a walk around the halls, where I bumped into a guy who would frequently stop by my weights class. He then asked if I would want to hang out on Twitter where I agreed to meet him at his car and we would hang out for a bit, and get to know each other better! I am freaking out because this guy is pretty popular and has a lot of friends, if I become friends with him I can get even more friends! Except this friend that I just met had other plans for me. He parked his car in a very isolated secluded place, no people, no cameras, part of a store parking lot. He then blasts the cold AC on high and sits in the back seat of his car. Then invites me to come and join him, which I do. Finding it very odd I sit as far away from him as possible, every bone in my body is screaming to run away to the school which is 2 blocks away. My mind immediately goes blank when he physically moves my entire body on top of him with one arm. My legs feel as of they are breaking from the way he positioned me like a doll to straddle him. Shoving his tongue down my thoat and touching my breasts, he then tries to undress me. Due to his lack of knowledge on how women's clothes work I was at least able to keep my clothes on. He then decides to position me on my back and shove my whole body into the car door where my head is getting smashed. Deciding that he then still didn't have enough room to maneuver, he crushes my whole body even further into the door of his car. Then trying to pleasure himself, he decides to feel me up from head to toe. My mind goes black and numb with the pain that I am feeling in my skull. I snapped back into reality with him fingering me and trying to undo my pants. Where I then go into fight mode and he then decides to give up on undressing me. He moves on quickly to slamming his body in-between me and is now humping me, constantly smashing my whole body against the door over and over and over again. The only thing that stopped him was when he finally checked the time. He then SILENTLY drove me back to school where he dropped me off like a hooker. I immediately start hyperventilating and speed walked to the bathroom gagging and throwing up. I go home and pretend that nothing happened thinking that the whole thing was my fault and that i was a complete slut and asking for it and that I was now dirty. I shut myself in my room, dealing with an intense migraine.
The next day I wake up to an even worse headache, and sensitivity to lights. At lunch my headache progressively got worse, and I was starting to get sweaty and super nauseous. My tongue started to swell, I was seeing stars, the room was spinning uncontrollably, and I couldn't throw up, or breath very good. My friend practically carries me to the office where they collapse me to a table, the school cop decided that I wasn't okay at all and called the ambulance, which then means that I would have to now tell them and my mom what happened the day before. The ambulance shows up and I wasn't breathing okay and then my mom showed up and I started telling her how sorry I was and how I was so dirty and gross. She told me that it wasn't my fault, after my whole breakdown sob to my mom on what happened to me, I had to be physically carried to my mom's car to go to the hospital where the nurses and the cop who took my statement where so rude and short tempered to me! I at this point was physically and emotionally 100% drained, I could no longer walk or talk. After getting x-rays to confirm if I had fractured my neck or not I could go home. I had a serious concussion where I couldn't over stimulate my brain for over a month! I then started to have insane neck and back pain months later. After getting an appointment with a chiropractor, come to find out my spine was now collapsing and was almost untreatable without surgery. I received intense rehab at the chiropractor for 9 months 3 days a week for an hour. Onto the court side of things, the STATE ATTORNEY decided to take on my case and charge the son of a bitch who did this to me. AFTER A YEAR of waiting and him running around preaching about how he almost fucked me and how I was like this trophy to him, while I on the other hand was constantly being bullied, belittled, mistreated by my peers and teachers. I suffered while he flourished for his senior year, everyone knew me or knew my name. The end results of court was that he got a Class B Felony as a minor. Therefore all traces of me and what that monster did to me would disappear. It has been 4 years since and I am still having days of breakdown from my experience, I have learned a lot, but I have lost more. Still trying to build onto of what has been broken and hoping that everything doesn't all come down.

It was July 26th, 2019. I was at the local county fair. I was just 12 years old. He was 17. He trapped me in a booth, like the ones in restaurants, and stuck his fingers up me. Then he proceeded to grab my breasts. I got up and ran 2 miles away from him. Now he follows me around. I sleep with a bat in my bed and walk around town with a personal alarm and pepper spray. I wish life would go back to normal.

Fuck you.
You are such a shitty person you deserve to suffer and rot in hell. i wanted so badly for you to get in serious trouble but nothing would even happen since ur under 18 so i didn’t press charges bc i didn’t want to deal with the long process of going court. seeing u go unpunished literally destroys me. I want ur life to be ruined the same way you ruined mine. fuck you i sat there sobbing trying to push u off while u forced me down. you deserve the death penalty i can’t believe u get to walk free with no punishments while i have to suffer with this trauma the rest of my fucking life. u don’t even know the pain and suffering i had to go through. ur such a fucking asshole i hate u more then words can describe. i genuinely want u to die slowly and painfully.
fuck you from- the girl u raped :)

You took my dignity, my parents, my job and my life but I won't let you take my identity. Drowning in a cesspool of meds that I don't need that some physician prescribed to me. Do you know what that feels like? My power and freedom right now is being taking away from me by my parents and these "doctors."

I was mentally stable once before. I know that I don't belong in this program. I am being forced to use someone else's resources while you live my life. I was going to start a new relationship, travel and start doing things a normal woman my age should be doing. Do you know how it feels when your parents call you crazy after you have been sexually assaulted? To be gaslighted and told by a mental health worker that your assault was some crazy fantasy that I created.

I have been mentally abused, molested by an unknown female assailant from my job and forced to take medications that don't align with my physical symptoms. I don't know what I have that you don't, but I know that you have to be weak to take someone else’s face so you can live a normal life. I won't let you break me or anyone else.

Sincerely,
The person that you will never be

I was sexually abused as a child and then again as a teenager / young adult by a therapist I went to for the childhood sexual abuse. I didn’t even know he was abusing me. He convinced me this “method” of therapy is the only thing that would heal me. He manipulated, lied to and brainwashed me over the course of 8 years. I’m recovering slowly. I have bad days, horrible days and some better days. Abuse isn’t always violent, it isn’t always terrifying in the moment but it’s always damaging. The terror shows up later, the pain seeps through in ways we aren’t even aware of. But there are brighter days ahead. Time is consistent, it’s reliable and it always passes. You are not alone ❤️