When I told you before coming over I only wanted to chill out without having sex this time, you said that’s okay and did it anyways. You took that as “I’ll change her mind” “I’ll just keep begging and pleading and forcing my hands on her body and holding her head so close to mine she could not pull away.” When I told you I had a headache and just needed to rest you told me you would fuck it out of me and forced yourself upon me. I didn’t have the strength to fight it. When I told you I didn’t want to give you head right now, you asked me angrily “well what the hell am I supposed to do?!? Go jerk off in your bathroom?!” “Why don’t you trust me” “let’s just do it now get it over with them we can chill.” “Why not?!” “We’re gonna end up doing it let’s just do it now.” And so I laid there eyes closed with my mind somewhere else waiting for it to be over. Longing for it to just be done. And I thought that was normal, as you were all I ever knew. You raped me and told me that it was love. Now you’ve hurt other women too, and I although it was you who did wrong, somehow I feel guilty, for not speaking up. I know I shouldn’t. But I do. You are a cruel, selfish man. You robbed me of my innocence, my youth, my trust, and so much more. I hope that haunts you everyday, every waking moment, and every bad dream, like it does me.

You caught me off guard when you looked me, up and down, told me the way I eat is "sexy", and put your hands on my neck to "relax me." You were much older than me and I didn't want to loose my job because I had just been promoted. I felt really proud of myself to be an assistant manager at 23, but see now it was all grooming. You flaunted your famous father, blamed your “psycho” ex wife for not seeing your kids, confided in your female employees about intimate stuff. Eventually, two female sales associates sued the company for sexual harassment. I wasn't there when the events occurred so I had to say that I didn't see anything when I was deposed. It felt like betrayal. At no time did the woman lawyer ask me if I had seen any inappropriate behavior in the workplace or if I had personally experienced anything myself.

I was raped by four older boys when I was 14 years old. I had bruises all over my body and when I went to report it to the police, they didn't believe me. They told me: "we know your culture (black), you're protecting someone in your family." So, I did not report it. I was bullied at school for the fact that I was raped. I'm 17 now and I'm still recovering from clinical depression, PTSD and suicidal thoughts. I also developed anxiety and I have several anxiety/panic attacks a day. I even had to be admitted to a psychiatric institution because I wanted to kill myself. Thanks to your post (wordsfromsurvivors) and several other Instagrammers, I'm starting to realize that it's not my fault and I'm getting my confidence back!

You told me you were a “ladies man” and at the time I didn’t realize that that comment wasn’t so innocent. You told me you loved me but was it love when you forced your tongue down the back of my throat. Was it love when I asked you if we could just sit because I mentally wasn’t okay and you turned my face towards you to force me to make out with you. Was it love when you looked at me and said “wow you’re good at that”. Was it love when you forcefully made out with me over and over despite my “no’s” and then grinded up against me. I soon found out you had assaulted a minor. You “penetrated” her and you almost got away with doing the same with me. You had asked me to wear a dress so you could simply get your hands on my ass. I now have symptoms of ptsd and every day I am haunted by you. I can’t get myself to report you or get a restraining order. I can’t talk about what happened. The thought of dating someone else makes me feel physically sick. There were countless nights where remembering you made me almost throw up. I ran from you but you are still here.

My multiple-offender rape happened at 17. I was in high school and I told no one. Parts of me died that night. I was intoxicated, unconscious and woke up in an all-male athletic college dorm, being assaulted with an audience there to watch, and another college guy waiting and prepared. I was talking to them inside a bar on Bourbon Street (snuck there with a friend) and next came a total blackout. I am and always will be, haunted by them being able to view and touch my bare body while unconscious. It never goes away... even 36 years later. To this day, I fear exposure. My life-long insomnia, confidence and ability to one-day become a divorced, single mother has all been affected. There are so many parts of my son’s life that I can never get back. I didn’t become a Registered Nurse until the age of 40. My silence, my shame.... it saved them. With the help of social media and a college football program from 1984 on eBay I found the 4 boys (now aging men with gray hair and grandfathers) responsible. I confronted them by sending a pic of my 17 year old self via text or email. It was like writing a victim impact statement. I went from not knowing their names, to recognizing one set of eyes in that program. I was finally able to tell them “I KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME, and I’ll NEVER be able to forget it”. Sometimes, you never know what will lead you to closure and forgiving yourself for the years of silence and shame. I finally, after 35 years, reported to authorities and I found the courage to tell my now-aging parents, which is a story in and of itself, my husband and grown children. Back then, my offenders and my shame robbed me of seeking medical care, much needed mental health that I so desperately needed. I felt powerless and degraded as I crawled on that dorm room floor looking for one of my shoes; which I now know, they threw it out a window. IT WAS MY SHOE, and I mourned it’s loss as well. That sense of imbalance surrounded much of my life. The awful bruising they left on my thighs remain scattered on each vital organ of my being. My poetic justice... as one of them stated last year..”I’ve had you in my mind forever.” And that was a text message. That night, they robbed even themselves of realizing that they will one day have daughters of their own.. and they did. For me, they no longer rob me of anything. I am free, and no longer feel like I’m at the scene of my crime. I felt unprepared last year as I saw pictures of them along with much of the details. I’m finding healing in therapy, even now, in my early fifties.

Today, I am much stronger for sharing my story, disclosing and confronting them. If my story helps just one survivor, I’ll know that each vulnerable moment, throughout this journey, has been worth it.

You robbed me of something resembling a normal childhood when you came into my room at night to touch me in such a way no adult should ever touch a child. You did this from my first memory until I confronted you as a young teen, when the nightmare finally stopped.

My healing has taken decades. I finally forgive you, most importantly I forgive myself for believing it was my fault, that I did something to make you do this to me. I now know that is not my truth.

I release myself from the shame, guilt and anger. I release myself from your acts and your sickness to live fully in my own skin. I reclaim my personal power and know you will never have power over me ever again.

i was twelve years old when you assaulted me at knifepoint. i was twelve years old when you scarred my mind and body. i was twelve years old. but i’m helping other survivors now, and that’s what i’ve realized. i’m not a victim, i’m a survivor, and you? you’re a coward. you took so much from me. you made me suicidal. you made me afraid. you made every day a struggle. but i made it out. 5 years later, i’m on top, and i’m never coming down.

How did it feel to force yourself into my mouth and then tell me, “I just had to do it so you would get over yourself”. Did you realize in that moment you had just committed rape? Will you ever realize? You. Raped. Me.

I do not even know your name. Your actions showed you have no heart. Did you enjoy forcing me to blow you? Did you enjoy wrapping your hands around my neck? Did you enjoy forcing yourself inside me despite my pleas for you to stop? Women are not human to you. We are toys that you can do anything you want to. Well you do not dominate my thoughts anymore. I am stronger now because I survived. When you were raping me I was so scared that you were going to kill me. But now three years later, I know how strong I am. You are too much of a coward to break me. You are a poor excuse for a human. I don’t know where you are in the world right now but I don’t care. I don’t care about you at all. And it’s so freeing.

Sincerely,
The girl you raped in Spain

You said you wouldn’t hurt me. You said you weren’t that type of person. You said we would have a few drinks & get to know each other. You lied. I trusted you. I believed you. Then you drugged me, in my own home. I was out cold for 3 hours. When I awoke in my room, I was naked & battered. I woke up confused. You were still in my house when I awoke. I went to the bathroom & I saw the damage to my face. I couldn’t believe it. When I asked you what happened you called me crazy. You blamed me. You said I hurt myself. You said I battered my own face. You said I took drugs. I never took any drugs. I went to the police, they didn’t believe me. You took advantage of me. You got what you wanted & accused me of making this all up for attention. Why would anyone make up rape? You’re sick. You stole a piece of me that August night but that’s it. You didn’t kill me. You’ll never kill me. I am stronger than you know. You will get caught. I will never cease to prove my case to the authorities. You will never hurt me again. I will make sure you never hurt another woman again. You messed with the wrong chica.